i am

most people see the new year as a time to look not only forward into the next year... but a chance to reflect on who they were, are and want to be. many resolutions revolve around a desire to improve and become a better person. self-improvement is great, but why wait for a specific day to start. that's why i hate new year resolutions.

that aside, i still find myself looking at who i am and where i'm going. a year ago i was sitting in iraq wishing i was home. now that i've been home for more than 6 months i still think about my deployment all the time. many veterans returning home from combat go through what's called readjustment. it's the time you try to stop thinking and acting like a soldier and instead assimilate yourself back into society. the government hopes it will be a simple transition with low rates of ptsd. but i don't think that is ever the case. even if you haven't seen combat, the transition from a 24/7 fast paced, life and death job to anything back here is tough (to put it lightly).

i'd say the 6 month marker is actually one of the harder ones. it's when reality sets in and the feeling that you're just on an extended leave and could be called back at any moment finally starts to wear off. many of us feel bored and annoyed by the general populace.

for me... i find i have little patience for complaining about things i find unneccessary. after living in a tiny cubicle where the water was unsafe to drink (unless bottled), power went out daily, walking was the main mode of travel and meals were only served at specific times i have a different perspective on needs and wants. convenience versus necessity.

i also have a very hard time with how much we as americans have mostly done away with the idea of respect. i never noticed it until i'd immersed myself so much into the military structure, which is built so much upon respect. we don't respect our elders, our spouses or even a stranger on the street.

mostly though... the hardest part is facing your friends and family who expect you to be who you were. and in all honesty... you battle with that every day. wanting to be who you were but not being able to even remember what that was like. what was life like before i left. i'd just gotten married and for the first time was living with someone other than my parents or a random friend in college. i was already in a state of readjustment so does that mean i'm actually now in the re-readjustment period. that's going to take some adjusting for me to get my mind wrapped around that.

i guess i've come to the conclusion that we should never try to be who we were. the past always has a rosy color given enough time for retrospect. i believe we are who we are. there is no old me... only me in the now and the me that will be. that's not to say we shouldn't learn from our past... we just shouldn't dwell on it.

my deployment wasn't just a year lost or a waste of time... it's part of who i am. now i just have to stare ahead and move forward looking for ways to improve, not regret or try to recapture some idea of who i was.